On Financial Resposibility to Siblings and Parents
Yesterday was a pretty upsetting day for me with complex and conflicting emotions about money and financial responsibilities.
My brother (named Roger)--a self-employed roofer--called me with a financial woe story. He was upset, afraid, and didn't know what to do. I could tell that a flood of tears was just underneath the surface of our phone conversation. He must've stopped alongside the street or highway because I could hear cars whizzing past in the background. It sure seemed like a lonely place to be. He apologized for being upset.
Roger is 35, he dropped out of high-school right around the 10th grade. So, he's been a manual laborer most of his working life. He really is a good guy, has a good Christian heart, works hard. He's married with four children, has a wonderful and devoted wife who was unfortunately recently diagnosed with lupus. (More saddening, they can't afford health insurance--$875 per month. Note: Tirade digression: We sure do have a fucked up country when it comes to health care.)
Anyway, he was late on his rent, and his truck--which he needs for work--was being repossesed. After hearing about his troubles, I asked him, "What would you like for me to do?" He didn't come right out and ask for money, but I ended up volunteering that I would help out with $2,000 so that he could pay his rent and get his car payments current. I felt sorry for him and it must have been humiliating for him to have to do that. If truth be told, I was also a little angry, and I felt guilty for being angry. My emotions around money are very very complex.
I was angry because bailing someone out is a reoccuring theme with my family. I sent my sister $3000 the year before last because of financial woes that included $60,000 of credit card debt. Her house was about a week away from being in default. My sister is a cashier--also a high school dropout. She promised to pay the money back, but hasn't. I gave my older brother a few thousand to help his distributor business and to buy a car. My other sister--who has her own troubles--always complains about not having money, but won't do anything to remedy her situation. She asked for money last year, but I didn't send it to her because I knew she would use to it to buy drugs for her boyfriend or drink it up. She has a drinking problem and her boyfriend has a drug problem. As for my mother, I send her $500 every month because, quite frankly, her $778 Social Security check doesn't cover her everyday living expenses. Half of that money is usually spent on medical expenses. My total for the last year and a half has been about $10,000 to family members. You'll understand why I live 3,000 miles away.
Being angry is only one way to respond, of course. All during the day at work, I tried to replace my anger and the feeling of "being burdened" with the feeling that I should be grateful that I was able to help my brother out. It's important to be charitible when someone--especially a family member--calls out for help--I really do believe that. I was his last ditch effort to help resolve his problem. He turned to me in a moment of desperation--to turn my back would've been cruel and uncaring, which incidentally were the same feelings I had in relationship to my Dad, who was the king of cheapskates. He was miserly (except when it came to drinking beer) out of necessity, not choice.
After I got off the phone with the car finance company--doing a bank transfer for the late car payments--I reminded myself I had been blessed so I in turn should be a blessing to others. I also reminded myself that "It's only money, and the money can be replaced."
The other option would have been to say "Sorry, I don't have the money to help," which is something my Dad would've said. "You're a grown man; Take care of your own problems."
Had I done that, I would've been racked with worry and guilt and wondering what would happen to them next. I'd rather feel temporarily annoyed than racked with guilt--the feeling of annoyance is nearly gone, but I do believe the guilt and worry would've remained had I not helped. My helping out served me in some strange way, too.
Roger thanked me for helping him out, and I told him that things would turn around--to just be patient but diligent, and he would be back on his feet in no time.
Yesterday was a pretty upsetting day for me with complex and conflicting emotions about money and financial responsibilities.
My brother (named Roger)--a self-employed roofer--called me with a financial woe story. He was upset, afraid, and didn't know what to do. I could tell that a flood of tears was just underneath the surface of our phone conversation. He must've stopped alongside the street or highway because I could hear cars whizzing past in the background. It sure seemed like a lonely place to be. He apologized for being upset.
Roger is 35, he dropped out of high-school right around the 10th grade. So, he's been a manual laborer most of his working life. He really is a good guy, has a good Christian heart, works hard. He's married with four children, has a wonderful and devoted wife who was unfortunately recently diagnosed with lupus. (More saddening, they can't afford health insurance--$875 per month. Note: Tirade digression: We sure do have a fucked up country when it comes to health care.)
Anyway, he was late on his rent, and his truck--which he needs for work--was being repossesed. After hearing about his troubles, I asked him, "What would you like for me to do?" He didn't come right out and ask for money, but I ended up volunteering that I would help out with $2,000 so that he could pay his rent and get his car payments current. I felt sorry for him and it must have been humiliating for him to have to do that. If truth be told, I was also a little angry, and I felt guilty for being angry. My emotions around money are very very complex.
I was angry because bailing someone out is a reoccuring theme with my family. I sent my sister $3000 the year before last because of financial woes that included $60,000 of credit card debt. Her house was about a week away from being in default. My sister is a cashier--also a high school dropout. She promised to pay the money back, but hasn't. I gave my older brother a few thousand to help his distributor business and to buy a car. My other sister--who has her own troubles--always complains about not having money, but won't do anything to remedy her situation. She asked for money last year, but I didn't send it to her because I knew she would use to it to buy drugs for her boyfriend or drink it up. She has a drinking problem and her boyfriend has a drug problem. As for my mother, I send her $500 every month because, quite frankly, her $778 Social Security check doesn't cover her everyday living expenses. Half of that money is usually spent on medical expenses. My total for the last year and a half has been about $10,000 to family members. You'll understand why I live 3,000 miles away.
Being angry is only one way to respond, of course. All during the day at work, I tried to replace my anger and the feeling of "being burdened" with the feeling that I should be grateful that I was able to help my brother out. It's important to be charitible when someone--especially a family member--calls out for help--I really do believe that. I was his last ditch effort to help resolve his problem. He turned to me in a moment of desperation--to turn my back would've been cruel and uncaring, which incidentally were the same feelings I had in relationship to my Dad, who was the king of cheapskates. He was miserly (except when it came to drinking beer) out of necessity, not choice.
After I got off the phone with the car finance company--doing a bank transfer for the late car payments--I reminded myself I had been blessed so I in turn should be a blessing to others. I also reminded myself that "It's only money, and the money can be replaced."
The other option would have been to say "Sorry, I don't have the money to help," which is something my Dad would've said. "You're a grown man; Take care of your own problems."
Had I done that, I would've been racked with worry and guilt and wondering what would happen to them next. I'd rather feel temporarily annoyed than racked with guilt--the feeling of annoyance is nearly gone, but I do believe the guilt and worry would've remained had I not helped. My helping out served me in some strange way, too.
Roger thanked me for helping him out, and I told him that things would turn around--to just be patient but diligent, and he would be back on his feet in no time.
posted by Tightwad Tim at 4:24 AM
6 Comments:
Bailing out family members gets worse--just wait until someone dies in debt. In the good old days, bill collectors waited until you sold off the assets to pay off the decedent's bills, but no more...now, they want payment in 15 days, or else they go straight to collections. The only benefit here is the discounted debt total they give you as a new payoff balance.
My in-laws died leaving us to cover $20k of their debt before we could get their house cleaned out and sold off. They had collected so much crap, it took an entire summer just to get down to floor level, then another month for repair crews to come in and attend to necessary items.
From an investment standpoint, it was a good bargain--we not only got our $20k back, but made $40k more for our trouble (after dividing up all proceeds evenly among beneficiaries). From a human life standpoint, it was the worst waste of time and energy anyone could spend--having to clean up after a very wasteful couple of people.
If the house wasn't in existence, or if they had rented it instead, we would've been out more than that $20k--we would've had to rent a backhoe and two dozen men just to get the house emptied out for another renter.
Even though people may find ti difficult to help others, we must in a way try to keep every one above board. Over the years my wife and I have been approached to lend money ortime to other famuly members. If nto for bills, then to help move. It seems that dad has run out of money, mom does not to help without a definite repament obligation. If you fail in either of these two options, then you must subject yourself to family comments and a possible boycott from those who seem to mean so much. After discussing the matter we have come to the new years resolution that we will help no more family members. We will guide them financially but will not become the bank again. If they cannot help themselves then why should I be there to pick up the pieces. Ironically we have been through our own set of problems but no one managed to come through an dhelp us. we have had to do it all on our own.
My sister bailed me out once with a $2k loan when I was underemployed and about to lose my car insurance due to a speeding ticket. When I got back on my feet, she didn't ask me to pay her back at all. She said she just wanted me to be ok. I'm really grateful to her and she was just happy I offered to pay her back at all.
I don't know if I would want to become the one my siblings call when they are desperate, but I guess as long as you don't expect to see it ever again, you're ok.
My rule of thumb when loaning money to my friends is don't expect to see it back. If I can't loan them $300 without expecting it back, then I don't make the loan. I've 'loaned' about $1K to friends over my life, only one person paid me back. That one time she paid me back took away all the other resentment I had ever felt about people who didn't pay me back when I really needed the money.
I hope your brother gets back on his feet soon. I've made that x-country move twice to get away from family. It's quite a trip!
Sometimes it is really hard to figure out when we are helping someone and when we have become an enabler for relatives/ friends to continue with poor decision making knowing in the back of their mind that if things go belly up you will always be there to pick up the pieces. Often the poor choices continue as long as the safty net is there. I think if I were you I would not be handing money to the relatives with no strings attached. I would give them a loan and have them sign some paperwork, maybe a second lean on the truck? If they default on the obligation at least you can possibly deduct the loss on your taxes. Also if your brother were to decide to take that pickup that he "needs" to get to work and trade it in on a brand new model incurring an additional $20,000 dollars in debt after you paid his rent for him and his truck payments, he would have to get your signature first.
I am also curious about the four kids. No one has four kids by accident unless they were natural quads. Why do you feel guilty about not subsidizing his expensive life choices? Kate
Thanks to everyone who responded to my post about bailing my brother out. You supplied me with plenty of food for thought, and I appreciate your insights and suggestions. This issue has always been a source of conflict for me.
The bigger concern, and what most worries me most, is what they'll do once they start reaching retirement age. With the exception of one brother, who once asked me to put $5,000 on a credit card for divorce lawyer fees, none of my siblings have retirement accounts.
When I retire, maybe I'll run off to Costa Rica!
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